I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
why do cheetos always look like penises
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
be right there i have to get my cape
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
