you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
