You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
