even my farts smell like vagina
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm getting married
To pizza
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
