it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
