I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
