How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
