I faked an abortion last night.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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