Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
