I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just come out here and I will go home with you...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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