I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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