I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He shit in the fireplace
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