I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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