When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
