He had one of those small greek statue penises
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
