I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
