so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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