I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
