anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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