ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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