If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
