i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
