We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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