3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
