i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
