i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
