I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I had to cum in my sink.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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