He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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