She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize