That reminds me...we need to get swords
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
