My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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