I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
And the cops told us we were all naked.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
