So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
