Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize