Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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