What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
