My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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