You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Randomize
