Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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