The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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