I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
