im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She even gives head with a lisp.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
