everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
