I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
