I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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