Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just invented taco cereal.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
