Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
