I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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