Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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