Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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