The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
