so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
