is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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