i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
