P.S. I can't hear my feet
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
