You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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